Am I enough?

Am I enough?

Since finishing university, life has been a bit of a whirlwind – and I think these feelings are definitely many of us experience. Going from full-time education straight into a job, whilst simultaneously attempting to balance the gym and trying to keep myself afloat. It’s been hard. It’s brought up many different feelings, as well as various issues arising which simply add to this perplexing period. 

I’ve recently taken up journaling as a way to try to work through some of my more challenging times and attempting to make sense of some of the dark place that can be my mind. It can be pretty draining, but it has also helped me gain a lot of insight and helped me realise how irrational some of these thoughts can be. However, insight and knowledge doesn’t necessarily make the irrational thoughts any less dominant lately. 

I’ve uncovered food rules I didn’t know I had, attachment issues that I was oblivious to and so much more. A recurring theme that I have found though: not feeling good enough. Not good enough at university, at work, at fitness, at life. I don’t feel slim enough, strong enough, pretty enough. I don’t feel like I’m good enough to make others happy, for my family, for my friends, or relationships. Not good enough to get better, to escape my eating disorder or my mind. I just don’t feel ‘enough’.

I wrote down a list of all the things that I would have to be in order to be ‘enough’ and the endless list of unattainable perfection was haunting. The constant need for perfection, as always – it’s crippling. 

To top it off, since changing the contraceptive pill again, my skin has flared up again. My confidence really didn’t need an extra hit. I understand that it’s superficial, but the effect it has on my mood is astronomical. It makes me feel so incredibly unattractive. But brain…. I’ve been with people even with cystic acne? I’m still me even with blemishes, so why are you bullying me?

This unattainable goal I have to be ‘good enough’ is crippling me, and even with insight I am struggling to overcome it. Those who are worth my time will stick around regardless. They’ve been around when I’ve been better and worse. They’ve stuck around because I’m Zoë, not this perfect version of Zoë. The constant need to be (or feel?) perfect, but nobody is perfect. So Why should I be different? Why should any of us have a different set of life rules to the rest of the world? 

I don’t know about everyone else, but I am just so sick of my brain bullying me. I just want a pause button in my brain. Anyone else? I want to pause the thoughts of being too big, too ugly, too wonky, too broken. I want to pause the voice that grills me every time food, weight or size comes into the picture. I want to pause that constant niggle of not being good enough.

My friends have stuck around whilst I’ve been bigger, with worse skin, through relapses, having to leave university, the potential of me actually dropping out, with fresh cuts on my flesh and so much more. They’ve never left. So, who am I trying to impress? Potential employers? Guys? Myself? Again, the right people will pop up and they’ll stick around. Employers and guys included. They’ll care about me, Zoë – not about whether I have a blemish on my skin, have the ‘Instagram model’ figure, or have a weird moment if someone offers me a biscuit. So I guess that just leaves, well, me? Well… that’s a can of worms that I need to open once I get back to therapy. 

I don’t have the answer about how to feel ‘good enough’ – I wish I did have tips to share, but in reality, I’m in the same boat as all of us perfectionists. Great ED quality, right? *sigh*. What I can do however, is help make you feel less alone. Write a list of what you think you need to be and realise how utter bullshit it is. Insight is power, even if you can’t seem to use it just yet. 

Take care ladybugs, and know that you’re pretty bloody awesome exactly as you are x

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